When I was born, I grew up knowing and loving Jesus. In fact I didn't have very many friends to play with in the neighborhood, so Jesus was my playmate. We would sing together, laugh together, tell stories. He told me many stories. He always told me how He loved me, and nothing I ever did would make Him hate me. He would hate the things I did, but never hate me. See Jesus and His Father loved me so unconditionally. They knew before I was born, how I would live my life, the choices I'd make, and how I would return to them that one special day. That day would change my life here on earth forever.
When I was seven years old, in fact I had
just turned seven, my Grandma went to live with
the Lord. I was only seven, but because Jesus
and I were so close, He told me she was leaving.
I was going to Christian school at the time, and I
went and told my principal, who happened to be
my Pastor too, that God was taking my Grandma
to live with Him. Oh well my Pastor thought I
was playing games, and thought I was being
silly, and assured me she was getting better. He
came to my house and told my parents what I
said, and they too told me I was being silly. We
had just seen my Grandma on Nov. 30th, my
seventh birthday, and she was fine. Sure
enough, on Dec. 4th 1979 she passed away from
a heart attack. The last memories I have of my
Grandma was showing her all the new toys I got
for my birthday. My Grandma was and is still
considered one of my best friends. I know I will
see her again someday.
My Dad didn’t take her death too well.
He began drinking heavily, and becoming
abusive towards my Mom. He was always
running around with a bad crowd of people. I
remember being taken to bars with him starting
at the age of 9. He met a woman named Karen,
who was 19 years younger than him. She was
only 13 years older than me. He left my Mom for
her when I was 11, and married her. Karen and I
never really got along well. I was her little slave.
When I’d come to visit my Dad, she had all this
house cleaning for me to do, so she could drink
herself into oblivion. I remember having to
make drinks for her, and she would get so
drunk. I guess she never noticed that when she
got really trashed, I would not put any alcohol
in her drink. My Dad stopped drinking, because
he was too busy baby sitting her.
My Mom stopped taking us to church,
because they told her that she was no good,
because she didn’t save her marriage, and we
were very poor, so we were looked down upon.
Snubbed by so called Christians.
When I turned 16, I guess I was in that
rebellion stage. I too started drinking, smoking
cigarettes, and even smoking pot. I was
running around with the wrong crowd of
people, always skipping school. Then my
depression hit me. I felt like I was in a black
hole being swallowed up, and the harder I tried
to climb out, the farther I fell. I figured that the
only way to make it better was to commit
suicide. In fact, I was so down that my Mom
was afraid I’d just leave the house and walk out
in front of cars. I remember sitting at home one
day and thinking of all the ways to kill myself. I
figured the easiest, harmless way was to just
swallow a bunch of pills and never wake up. I
stood in front of my mirror. Sitting beside me
was a tall glass of water. I poured every pill I
could find, in my hands. They were shaking so
bad. As I began to put them in my mouth, I
looked in the mirror and saw a horrible monster.
What was I doing? I was taking the easy way
out. Or was it the easy way out?
So the years passed, and one day Karen
up and left my Dad for a mutual friend of theirs.
10 years of marriage she left behind. My Dad
was so sad, but you see it was a blessing in
disguise. I didn’t know the real man he was. I
never got close enough or was allowed to get
close enough. Then the day my Step-mother
Stephanie came into his life, was not only a
blessing to him, but to the whole family as well.
She has been nothing but wonderful to all of us.
They have been married for almost three years
now, and I am so thankful to God that she is
here in our lives. She is a wonderful friend, and
second mother to me. As for my Dad, we are
very close now.
Right after Dad and Stephanie married, I
met Brian. He was so sweet and loving. I
practically moved in with him. Once we fell in
love, I was trapped. I met the real Brian. The
abusive one who was addicted to crack, and
pot. I was so afraid of him, but I didn’t leave
him, because I loved him. He shot my self worth
down to nothing and made me feel like he was
the only one I could ever get. I truly believed
that, and I didn’t want to be alone forever. I
blamed everything he did to me on God. God
wasn’t abusing me. Brian was and I allowed it.
I hid all my bruises he gave me from everyone. I
wanted everyone to think I was just perfect and
happy. These two ladies I met one night in
Sept. of ‘96, saw right through it all. They asked
me if I wanted to know about God. I needed
God desperately again. I had left Him so long
ago. I told them yes, and I started attending
their religious meetings. They were in this
organization called "The Way International".
The main Reverend was located in Ohio, and we
would just listen to his sermons on tape. I
started feeling really good about myself. I got
my self esteem back up, and in Jan. of ’97 I was
able to leave Brian for good. I was seeing so
many blessings in my life. Then I realized "The
Way International" was not for me. See I started
getting sick in February. Not really sick, but
weak. I would be walking one minute and the
next I was on the ground. My friends from The
Way told me not to tell my Mom, or friends what
the doctors said to me, because everyone not in
the Way was going to Hell. The Way was the
only way to get to heaven. I started thinking, if
God is so wonderful, why do I feel so bad? I
finally realized after my Mom and brother were
trying to tell me for 6 months, that the Way was
a cult. I left the Way in Feb. of ’97. My mom’s
Pastor invited me to come to his church. My
Mom started going there right at the time I
joined the Way. I took him up on the offer of
coming to his church, and that is the day I truly
found God again. My friend Jesus was waiting
for me with open arms. Everything made me
cry. Tears of joy. I was so happy, and felt so
different inside. I felt safe, and calm. I knew
that no one like Brian or my Dad’s ex wife
Karen, could ever hurt me again. I was finally
safe in His arms of love.
Soon after I became born again, I fell
really hard and twisted my ankle. This
happened in mid April ’97. I went through all
kinds of testing and was to the point I had to
hang onto my Mom, because I could not walk at
all. I went through MRI’s, and a spinal tap, and
was diagnosed in the beginning of May, with
Multiple Sclerosis. I wasn’t scared at all. I knew
that whatever God had planned for me, that
someday I would be healed. Today, I see my MS
as a gift. Sometimes God uses people to be
special witnesses for Him. I truly believe, that I
will be healed, if not on earth, I will be in
heaven. My life has been nothing but full of
blessings since I returned to my Father. I don’t
regret anything that has happened to me in my
life. It has all been a lesson to me, to show me
how devious the devil can be. Oh and he can
still attack me, but now I have God’s protection.
God is on my side, and He loves me
unconditionally. That is the greatest feeling to
ever have.
----Deborah Hartzell aka LilAngel
----February 18, 1998